pay to play ONO style

i`m really upset right now
should`ve maybe waited until after i calmed down
to tell you this story
but i can`t sleep
i gotta get this out of me right now
before it poisons tomorrow

i`m on some swiss keyboard
with the symbols moved all around
so pardon all the typos that are surely coming your way

i knew something was going to go wrong
we were having too much fun
it`s part of life
it`s certainly part of travelling
we hit our first bad day here in bern switzerland
walked right into a scam
at the ONO

after we`d done the soundcheck
the owner
daniel kölliker
a spikey blonde haired guy
about 5 feet tall
dressed all in black
with little square glasses
a weird swiss lisp
and one hoop earring
says to me
(there are no quotation marks on this keyboard)
so i`ll use capital letter for dialogue
he says
OK NOW MAYBE YOU PAY ZEE RENT?
i`m totally bewildered
WHAT? THE RENT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
he`s confused by my surprise
ZEE RENT FOR TO PERFORM AT ONO TONIGHTZ
IT ISF 350 SWISS FRANCS (EQUIVALENT TO 350 US DOLLARS)
i only had about one third of that in my pocket
i tell him
WHAT? I HAVE TO PAY YOU MONEY I DON`T HAVE TO PLAY TONIGHT?
THERE MUST BE A MISTAKE...

OH NO YOU SEE IT`S IN ZEE KONTRACT
THERE`S AN ATM UPSTAIRSTH YOU CAN USETH TO GET ZEE MONEY

unbelievable
the nerve of this midget prick
we came all the way from texas
we`ve got a 3 year old standing right there
and he wants to shag me up the bum to play his arty farty
wanna be andy warhol piece of shit swiss club
so i call basti
the tapete booking agent
to check on the contract
basti is confused too
he reads over it
as he thought i got paid once the door went over 350
a standard club practice
a 350 breakeven would be high but at least i`d walk with my door money
O NO
this rat bastard has cleverly worded it
so it says we pay him 350 to play
there`s nothing we can do
i`ve come all the way from texas
to switzerland to get ripped off by him

basti feels terrible
he tells me not to worry
they`ll make up for the loss somehow
BUT IT`S THE PRINCIPLE THAT GETS TO ME
it`s wrong
i know it`s not GW wrong
and in the grand scheme of things it`s nothing
but it`s still shitty and wrong
this guy is a worm
a snake
a creep
he didn`t have one ounce of compassion
he took every cent i earned for him tonight
so i played 2 sets
2 and half hours
and a few people came
we made 184 francs at the door
not bad
frederich and monique came with their nourallah brothers cds
in hand
and that was BEAUTIFUL
for them i played
she`d walk a mile
somewhere the lights don`t shine
missing you
and
i`ll be around
it was a joy to see how much it meant to them
the audience was lovely
they bought about 200 francs worth of merch
which was awesome
and under any even partially reasonable circumstances
it would`ve been a very successful night
but i had to give almost everything i earned to
ONO and daniel k.
i came all the way to this place
not for money granted
but i`m working every night
to pay for the hotels
and the meals
and the outrageously expensive gas
and the toll roads
and everything else
and for them to take money from my cds
makes me FURIOUS
i`m not a violent guy
but i`m having some pretty violent thoughts right now
on what i`d like to do to that little rat...

ok i have to calm down now
breathe
nice and slow
relax
it`s ok
instant karma`s gonna get ONO
i trust in that
i know it will

so what of bern?
how`s the city?
nothing like i imagined switzerland to be like
i guess i had the ignorant american vision of this country
pastoral
peaceful and kind
cows grazing on mountainsides
the swiss miss girl running around serving chocolate
this city is a dirty crowded zoo of a place
noisey
overpriced and attitude laden `cause it`s switzerland
the driving in the town center is chaos
almost at the level of indonesia
all in all
it sucks
and i can`t wait to blow out of here tomorrow morning
and give daniel kölliker
ONO
and bern
my middle fucking finger
never coming back here
you can fool me once ONO
but never again

see you in the alps