Friday, August 15, 2008

bring on the dancing self-doubt horses

and so the rain finally comes down
but everything has died
i think
"so fucking what..."
it doesn't matter now
all the plants we bought this spring
that we tried to keep alive
died anyway
our efforts were futile
so why mock us now stupid rain?

the weather mirrors my mood today
and gloomy
i feel lost
doubting every recent decision i've made
i feel like i've taken the wrong road again
i'm tired of trying and failing
i'm tired of screwing up
i know this feeling will pass
but it doesn't make me feel any better today
i know i've always had at least one major self-doubt attack
during the making of my past records
i was hoping this one was gonna end that streak
so i guess this is it
i've been waiting
what took you so long?

earlier this week billy and lars worked on finishing "my" record
in austin
while i stayed here
and did my hamster on a wheel routine
it felt weird knowing they were doing all this stuff
without me
i vacillated between
"this is great - a walk in the park for once!"
"this doesn't feel right - now i'm one step away from becoming michael bolton!"
bring on the dancing self-doubt horses
maybe this is the real test now?
the "opposition" barry has been talking about since april
i feel my insides turning
roll my guts out like a rug...
going back and forth between the old mixes
and new
up all night
looking for what was lost instead of gained
is it simply about giving up control?
i've never been good at letting go
i'm trying today
i'm trying really hard
so many thoughts swirling 'round my head
most of them bad
most of them terrible
i wish i could take a pill that would silence every last one of them
why do i care so much when so many don't even notice?
other than you
who am i even making this record for?
in a world where most records i love
are by and large ignored
a lot of people nowadays can't even fork over a precious 99 cents
to download a song
that someone spent countless hours
and dollars
and days of their life
slaving over
to try and "get it right"
they just take it
and take it for granted
simple as picking fruit off of a tree that grows
in someone else's backyard

i don't have any answers right now
i'm searching for some sort of peace of mind
i need time to settle down
and figure out how i really feel
once i get past this shroud of self-doubt
and loathing
i'm sorry for sending you this message today
it's just the way i'm feeling right now
nothing more
nothing less


Blogger Ron said...

Self-doubts. The bane of existence. I've doubted everything I've ever done. I've felt inadequate in everything I've ever done. As always, I'm just a phone call or email away.

4:53 PM  
Blogger Ron said...

Self-doubts. The bane of existence. I've doubted everything I've ever done. I've felt inadequate in everything I've ever done. As always, I'm just a phone call or email away.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't have any answers either, but trust yourself - you are trustworthy. you are loved and you know we can't wait to hear that new record. it will be great because of how much of yourself you have put into it. call us if you need anything at all. love, ce

6:37 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

How about THIS:

Today I slaved and slaved away
in a fluorescent lit office
trying to get this code to work
so many failures i lost count
so many attempts to just get SOMETHING to work
anything would have been a tiny light on an increasingly darkening day
(There wasn't even any TP
when I went to take a dump.
Two times in a row. HA!)

And at some point
my eyes weary from hours in front of the screen
without a break
not even to come read your blog
or any blog
any culture or meaningfulness
I thought

"Man, I wish my life was like Salim's
He gets to make music all day
I can't even imagine what that is like
such a luxury
And he's not even having to live like a bum to do it, either!
An awesome house and family
It doesn't take him two years to finish a record
And all the best musicians WANT to play with him

I wish my life was like that
instead I can't even make this stupid code run
And I'm going to get fired
and not even be able to afford the few days in the studio
I get
with Salim."

So I came home. It was dark by the time I arrived. But this lovely lady had some food for me, and I picked up some Mexican beers. And we ate and drank and played cards. And I read your blog.


8:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing to fear, my friend. All is well. The music is beautiful and it will reach everyone who needs it. :o)



9:57 PM  

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