so here we are again

i started this blog in june of 2006
close to the eve of jayme's first serious operation
i couldn't deal with the stress
the songwriting was no longer relief enough
i had to get it out somehow
two years later
here we are again
another operation tomorrow
and it's all come flooding back
almost as if someone just hit "rewind" on the VHS tape
i went back and read what i wrote two years ago
the night before her operation
today i still feel the same way
waiting again
wondering what tomorrow will bring
so here it is again
what i wrote 2 years ago...

i sit here in the soft blue light of the computer screen
i don't feel like myself right now
i feel like an observer
watching some weird story unfold
maybe lack of sleep and stress has dislocated my mind again?
i know the feeling well
i've been here before
when gavin was in trouble

my stomach is in knots
should be playin' my guitar for relief
but i don't want to risk waking G
so i'm writing this blog
i have to get it out
otherwise i freeze up inside
solid ice
like the title of this thing says
it's snowing in my heart
no lie
it's why i have to write
all my life trying not to ice over inside
sometimes it doesn't work
sometimes no words or songs or anything in the world
can soothe
but i'm so proud of this girl of mine
she's a fighter
keeping a real chin up about all of this
i think if i were in her shoes i'd be in far worse mental shape
i'd be a babyshambles
we struggle for control almost every day of our adult lives
the instinct to try and control our own destinies raging
most times ironically out of control
the tighter we grip our lives
the more things spin away from us
no matter how rich
famous
or powerful
a single human being can become during their stay here on earth
we're all equally fragile
exposed completely
and totally vulnerable
in the end unable to stop bullets
bend the universe to our will
cure the incurable
turn back the crushing hands of time
it's a lesson
a hard one to learn
can i surrender to the universe?
close my eyes and fall backwards in to the loving arms of our maker?
give up trying to control the uncontrollable
trust that it's not a lunatic flying this colossal jumbo jet of life?
i think i can
i think i have
i've done it before
i'm familiar with this feeling
right now i've surrendered
i believe our/your prayers have gotten some one's attention out there
we are being watched over now
my love
my life
is in the hands of something i trust will deliver her safely
back to me and G
to be a happy little trio again