psychobabble

in my head
always a hundred and one thoughts
swarming like bees
reach out and grab one
hang on for a second
already distracted by the next one
chase it around for a bit
but not too long
there's always another one and another one
and another

when i was a boy
i had a hard time paying attention in school
i got pretty good grades
only because i had a really good short term memory
not photographic
but close
if i was even paying the slightest bit of attention in class
i could regurgitate the info on a test or a quiz
however
when it came to really paying attention
truly concentrating on anything other than music
well
that was always a problem for me
i'd say i'm almost disabled in that respect
give me an instruction manual of any kind
for example
a cookbook
bible
or a "how to operate" pamphlet
and i will make it about a page and a half
before i've drifted away
too many thoughts coming in and out
too many mental distractions
doesn't matter if you lock me in a stark white room
with one chair
no windows
and nothing on the walls
the distractions are all there
in my head
i'm like a pinball in a thought machine
bouncing from one to the next
until
i tilt

i'm getting tired of the noise
mainly because it sometimes makes people around me feel bad
like i'm not always paying attention
to what they're saying to me
even when it's important
it makes me cringe when i think about that
hijacking someone else in mid-sentence
or glazing over and dropping out
while they speak
it's only 'cause i can't help it
i do care
i wanna know what they have to say
it's just
well
sometimes i can't focus for more than a few seconds
too much going on in my head

when i was 13 i took piano lessons
my teacher thought i was reading the notes
i wasn't
i was playing by memory
i'd play entire classical pieces that way
'cause i could never be bothered
to concentrate long enough
on all those little black dots squiggles and lines
beethoven became a 500 page instruction manual
mozart
war and peace
bach
the koran