Saturday, August 30, 2008

king kong mission statement

i've got 100 times the energy to get things done
that i ever had as a young man

we're gonna remember our friend carter on wednesday
and celebrate his wonderful life
and we're gonna remember our friend anju
and raise money for the anju gill foundation
we're gonna book show after show after show in anju's name
and we're gonna put loads of money in the bank
then flood the dallas music scene with love
and good music
i'm going to finish salim vs. shibboleth
i'm going to finish live at pleasantry lane 2
and the live sons of hermann dvd
i'm gonna work 6 days a week on my friend's records
i'm gonna celebrate "ciphers from snowing"
and its release on october 25th
at the granada theater
i'm gonna get "constellation" ready for release in may of '09
and go play it's songs all over the world
i'm going to tour america
for the first time in ages
i'm going to go to europe
and play sit down and sing
then i'm gonna go back again and headline
my own tour
i'm gonna go to vienna
and paris
and brussels
and amsterdam
and the rhineland
i'm gonna ask my friend billy to come along
and play his music too
i'm gonna write
and sing
and record
i will be relentless
i won't sleep
i will go to bed late
and wake up early
and then play and play and play
and play some more
i'm gonna find more to do
'cause i don't have time to mess around
i don't have time for broken promises
i don't have time for liars
or thieves
or john mccain
i don't have time for naysayers
or back daters
i'm gonna take care of my wife and son
i'm gonna take care of my friends
i'm gonna be here now
i'm gonna write and write and write
and then publish a book of the best of
"it's snowing in my heart"
so if you've got some more for me to do
bring it on
i'm ready...

i'm tired now

Thursday, August 28, 2008

way back when...

i was a stranger in my own skin
i spent most of my days
shut in my room
in my isolation chamber
lost in a world of sound
i felt safe there
with my records
and posters
with my rock'n'roll fantasies
trouser press magazines
and music books
it was another world i'd escape to
'cause the real world sucked
you see
school had never treated me very well
i was too full of questions
and the system didn't like questions
i also had this name
an albatross 'round my scrawny neck
since first grade
it was always what made me feel distant from the rest
i dreaded the first day of class
when role call would come to a grinding halt
on the letter N
some poor teacher stammering or stuttering
to get it out
"saylem norhoolah?"
"where are you from now son?"
i don't know why it was so hard on me
i just wanted to blend right in
with the others
even though by the time i got to middle school
that's the last thing i wanted
i thought they were all sheep
the kinks "i'm not like everybody else"
could've been my theme song then
i despised the lot of 'em
with their ____ (insert terrible '70s band here)
and _____
heavy metal guitar solos
all getting ready to assimilate
and fit right in
que up in line
did their homework
followed rules
never asked why?
just went right along with it all
el paso in the seventies was lost in classic rock hell
i don't know why i gravitated to a different sensibility
but it always seemed to me that watching some long haired geezer
wank off on a guitar
was just about as exciting as watching paint dry
i've never been interested in the mechanics of musicianship
chops bored me
still do
hard rock guitar solos
who cares? get a real job!
but i when i was a kid
i was surrounded by people with the opposite taste as me
and as far as i was concerned
it was war

i still feel that way
it's funny how those outrageous feelings of youth
can last a lifetime

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

a blog to cheer you right up

even with all the good intentions in the world
we still fuck it all up
and fuck our children up in the process
why are we so flawed?
for the most part
unable to get along
with each other
there's always a problem
always something to pick at
or someone to pick on
how could there ever be any hope of peace
in the world
when most of us can't even get along with our own
friends and loved ones?
it's sad
it's pathetic
it's pitiful
that as long as there are human beings
there will always be war
there will always be destruction
and injustice
soldiers shooting children
husbands beating wives
priests raping children
we are flawed to the point of absurdity
it is impossible for us not to behave badly
and we will most likely ultimately destroy ourselves
in a stupid and self-righteous mushroom cloud of arrogance

america wiped out approximately 220,000 japanese people
mainly civilians
with atomic bombs dropped on hiroshima and nagasaki
over 60 years later
it's all just a footnote in our history books
do we really get it?
does anybody still think about
or care about the severity of those actions?
think of your children dying from radiation exposure
in your very arms
the same gruesome and horrible way those people went
all in the name of self-defense or self-preservation?
it was an unforgivable act that should've never been committed
or accepted
i don't think this country has really paid
the moral debt for this one yet
i can't help but wonder what kind of karmic payback we still have in store for us...

a microcosm of what i'm going on about:
try and really tune in sometime to a conversation
you're having with a group of people
pay close attention to where it goes
if it lasts long enough
eventually the cracks materialize
how much of what is being said ends up negative?
i'm willing to wager on average
it's hovering around the 70% range
us humans love to talk trash
is it our egos?
is it the drama?
is it just more interesting to us to hear a nasty little story
than a nice one?
i've tried to understand my whole life
why do we bully
and pick on the weak?
why is it so much more appealing for poeple
to sit around and bitch
and moan
state the flaws in everybody
and everything
instead of talk about how wonderful
the world is
or how great
so and so is

i'm not suggesting we should or could live in a world
where no one ever says or thinks a bad thing
about someone else
that would be entirely too "up with people" or "jesus christ superstar" for me
but tonight i'm feeling overwhelmed
by how out of control our negativity is
so many petty squabbles
and for what?
us human beings
with our big mouths
and big egos
full of our ideals
and ways to improve the world
but ultimately too weighed down by our own flaws
to do anything about it

Saturday, August 23, 2008

coming down is the hardest part

i don't know what happened to me after lasts night's gig
but i had one of the most comedically fitful nights
of sleeplessness
maybe it was all the adrenalin still pumping
maybe it was my allergies running and running
maybe it was my minding speeding down narrow lanes
and winding mountainous roads
maybe it was my son crowding me onto 3 inches of bed
all in all i got about 2 hours
today i was a wreck
but i soldiered on
over 10 hours in the studio
i gotta pay those constellation bills
i'm chipping away bit by bit
and we had fun despite a very tired me

last night all of my friends were there
most of you included
everyone helped make it a smashing success
and i'm thankful for each and every one of you
we captured it on film
my favorite part was the percussion explosion at the end
we're gonna wrestle with it now
and try to make it into something watchable
sn and the noise were plagued by an array of bizarre
and uncommon errors
during our set
but more than one enthusiastic soul
told me it was their favorite show
we'd ever done
so i'll go with that
not my own penchant for cruel
and negative self analysis

there's so much more to write
but i can barely keep my one good eye open
i think i have to call it a day
and hit the hay
more later
i promise...



Wednesday, August 20, 2008


a fixed group of stars
an assembly of great splendour
a fixed pattern of individual elements functioning in a related way

my record is finished
i can barely contain the feeling of euphoria
i feel really good about it right now
and completely satisfied that i took the right road
and not the wrong one
i'm thinking of calling it "constellation"
that happens to be the name of the street i was raised on
back in el paso
i always felt like some sort of alien there
almost like i was from another planet
dropped off by my spaceship somehow
beamed down an abandoned by captain
to escape that desolate place
i'd traversing the galaxy
through music
i'd travel the universe through thought
it was my escape hatch
and my saviour
so yeah
"constellation" seems fitting to me
i've had the idea to call this record that for awhile now
but i don't know for sure yet
i gotta get some input from my producer
the other night i played the record
for the very first time
to people
other than G and J
first the cut-off came over and listened
then grace showed up
it made me feel really good
to see the smiles on all of their faces
after each song ended
and coyote head's comment
"i'd buy this in a heartbeat!!"
made me feel even better
i rehearsed afterwards with the noise
for our big DVD filming show this friday
at sons of hermann
it felt really good to play with the band again
we've only played about 5 or 6 times this year
i guess we should keep on this route
'cause the band has never sounded better
we dusted off about 16 tunes
some that we hadn't done in months
like "overwhelmed" "snowing in my heart" and
"the wicked are winning"
i'm really looking forward to friday
and finally documenting this thing we've been
doing for the past couple of years
it'll be nice to have something to watch
when we're old and gray
and reminiscing
about the "good old days"

Saturday, August 16, 2008

cha-cha-cha-cha-cha changes

the attack is over
it was thankfully brief
thank you for writing me with your feelings
they helped me a lot
daniel's story about his terrible day was especially good
and it made me laugh
it was a nice "bitch slap"
i know i can be a moody f#$@ sometimes
but i've always appreciated this life i have
even in the down moments
we all have those feelings of gloom and doom
no matter how great our lives may be
otherwise we'd be robots
or spock on star treck
here's one truth about me though
when i was a kid i used to fight it with every bone in my body
my entire life i've clenched up at the very thought of it
my favorite lennon song is "across the universe"
i've cried many times to the refrain "nothing's gonna change my life..."
for me it's one of the most touching sentiments i've ever heard expressed in song
the sad thing is
even when i was miserable all the time
i fought change
tooth and nail
i held on to everything
wouldn't let go
death grip city
i wanna know
i want to go back and figure out why
what happened to me as a child to yield an adult with this problem
or is it just an innate instinct?
nothing good can ever happen without change
i've always known that
it's all important
everything in this universe is in a permanent state of transition
it's essential to life
it's gotta be that way
my rational mind tells me these things on a daily basis
yet when i'm at my most awnry
i'm having some sort of allergic reaction to change
go figure...

Friday, August 15, 2008

bring on the dancing self-doubt horses

and so the rain finally comes down
but everything has died
i think
"so fucking what..."
it doesn't matter now
all the plants we bought this spring
that we tried to keep alive
died anyway
our efforts were futile
so why mock us now stupid rain?

the weather mirrors my mood today
and gloomy
i feel lost
doubting every recent decision i've made
i feel like i've taken the wrong road again
i'm tired of trying and failing
i'm tired of screwing up
i know this feeling will pass
but it doesn't make me feel any better today
i know i've always had at least one major self-doubt attack
during the making of my past records
i was hoping this one was gonna end that streak
so i guess this is it
i've been waiting
what took you so long?

earlier this week billy and lars worked on finishing "my" record
in austin
while i stayed here
and did my hamster on a wheel routine
it felt weird knowing they were doing all this stuff
without me
i vacillated between
"this is great - a walk in the park for once!"
"this doesn't feel right - now i'm one step away from becoming michael bolton!"
bring on the dancing self-doubt horses
maybe this is the real test now?
the "opposition" barry has been talking about since april
i feel my insides turning
roll my guts out like a rug...
going back and forth between the old mixes
and new
up all night
looking for what was lost instead of gained
is it simply about giving up control?
i've never been good at letting go
i'm trying today
i'm trying really hard
so many thoughts swirling 'round my head
most of them bad
most of them terrible
i wish i could take a pill that would silence every last one of them
why do i care so much when so many don't even notice?
other than you
who am i even making this record for?
in a world where most records i love
are by and large ignored
a lot of people nowadays can't even fork over a precious 99 cents
to download a song
that someone spent countless hours
and dollars
and days of their life
slaving over
to try and "get it right"
they just take it
and take it for granted
simple as picking fruit off of a tree that grows
in someone else's backyard

i don't have any answers right now
i'm searching for some sort of peace of mind
i need time to settle down
and figure out how i really feel
once i get past this shroud of self-doubt
and loathing
i'm sorry for sending you this message today
it's just the way i'm feeling right now
nothing more
nothing less

Monday, August 11, 2008

another day is here

just like all of the rest
nothing special at all
the sun comes up
we wake up
eat our breakfast
go to work
come home
make dinner
watch some tv
read a few chapters in a book
go to sleep
it comes and goes like so many others
no big deal

but somewhere else
for someone else
monday august 11 is not just another day

august 11 is the birthday of jesse wenick
my friend ron's son
jesse is gone now
and for those that loved him
today is a day of deep despair

i can't even begin to comprehend the agony
that a parent who has lost a child goes through
it is a nightmare with no rival
i have only caught a glimpse of it
and it scared me like nothing i have ever imagined
i wish i could erase all of your pain ron
or fall on it like a hand grenade
take it away from you so that you'd never have to feel it again
i wish i could...
but in your pain the love for your son lives on
a love greater than most will ever feel
remember him today as he was
and as you loved him
this life is a mystery my friend
we have no idea where we're going to
and i pray that in your journey
you will see your son again
you will be reunited with him
a father and son together again
like they should be

without hope there is only the darkness
please hang on

with love -


Saturday, August 09, 2008

lucky day?

scores of people clamouring to get married on this "lucky" day
i didn't even think about it
until jayme mentioned it to me...

the alarm went off tragically at 5am
i had been asleep for under 3 hours
because i had to work until 2am
i was so delirious i could barely speak
i'm pretty sure i was actually grunting like
phil hartman's frankenstein on saturday night live
we headed to my mom's house
with G in tow
in the dreary drizzling rain
4 minutes down the road i realized i'd forgotten my cell phone
not exactly a good day to do that
i wondered if this was going to be my lucky day
G was excited to see his nannie
he was also wondering why on earth we were up
and it was still dark
he sat on her front porch swinging his legs in a grownup chair
as he watched mommy and daddy
wrestle with swapping his car seat out
after 15 minutes doing that in the rain
we kissed him goodbye and headed back home to get the phone
already the traffic on the streets was picking up
it was still dark
and with the rain coming down
sort of ominous and depressing
i thought about how outta touch i was with the get up and go to work before dawn life
i felt "lucky"
but still wondered about how the day to come

we checked in to Baylor around 6:20
the hospital was empty
and freezing
jayme was perky
i was not
i bet if you'd looked at us you would have never been able to guess
who was about to go under the knife
yet another reason to admire my wife
about 7am they took us back to pre-surgery
it was pretty lavish
a flimsy curtain was drawn around the bed
everything in the place looked like it was made in russia
maybe sometime in the late '60s
they handed jayme a paper gown
and instructed her to put her clothes in a bag
i felt sick with worry
after talks from the nurse
and doctor
we said goodbye
and i went to the waiting room
i sat there for a long time
nodding in and out of consciousness
listening to the i-pod
and watching bad bad morning tv
i had no idea what a wasteland morning tv is
because i'm never up that early!
around 10:30 the doctors came out
they took me to a room that said "consultation" on the door
they were smiling
which i thought was good
they told me they took an apple sized cyst out
that was twisted up in jayme's right fallopian tube
she "must've been in quite a bit of pain" the doctor said
we'd lucked out
this was the best case scenario
the cyst was not cancerous
they didn't have to take anything else out
like they'd said they were afraid they were going to have to do
i wanted to run outside with my arms in the air
like some sort of titanic hospital de caprio
i went outside
and sat in the sun
then i read all the beautiful text messages you all sent
wishing J the best
sending your prayers and love to us
it worked
jayme is going to be ok

i felt lucky

Thursday, August 07, 2008

so here we are again

i started this blog in june of 2006
close to the eve of jayme's first serious operation
i couldn't deal with the stress
the songwriting was no longer relief enough
i had to get it out somehow
two years later
here we are again
another operation tomorrow
and it's all come flooding back
almost as if someone just hit "rewind" on the VHS tape
i went back and read what i wrote two years ago
the night before her operation
today i still feel the same way
waiting again
wondering what tomorrow will bring
so here it is again
what i wrote 2 years ago...

i sit here in the soft blue light of the computer screen
i don't feel like myself right now
i feel like an observer
watching some weird story unfold
maybe lack of sleep and stress has dislocated my mind again?
i know the feeling well
i've been here before
when gavin was in trouble

my stomach is in knots
should be playin' my guitar for relief
but i don't want to risk waking G
so i'm writing this blog
i have to get it out
otherwise i freeze up inside
solid ice
like the title of this thing says
it's snowing in my heart
no lie
it's why i have to write
all my life trying not to ice over inside
sometimes it doesn't work
sometimes no words or songs or anything in the world
can soothe
but i'm so proud of this girl of mine
she's a fighter
keeping a real chin up about all of this
i think if i were in her shoes i'd be in far worse mental shape
i'd be a babyshambles
we struggle for control almost every day of our adult lives
the instinct to try and control our own destinies raging
most times ironically out of control
the tighter we grip our lives
the more things spin away from us
no matter how rich
or powerful
a single human being can become during their stay here on earth
we're all equally fragile
exposed completely
and totally vulnerable
in the end unable to stop bullets
bend the universe to our will
cure the incurable
turn back the crushing hands of time
it's a lesson
a hard one to learn
can i surrender to the universe?
close my eyes and fall backwards in to the loving arms of our maker?
give up trying to control the uncontrollable
trust that it's not a lunatic flying this colossal jumbo jet of life?
i think i can
i think i have
i've done it before
i'm familiar with this feeling
right now i've surrendered
i believe our/your prayers have gotten some one's attention out there
we are being watched over now
my love
my life
is in the hands of something i trust will deliver her safely
back to me and G
to be a happy little trio again

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

a picture of your father when you were only 3...

my dad
so young
and happy in this picture
if you saw him now
you wouldn't recognize him
the avenger
he said to me not long ago
that he still felt like a young man on the inside
but looked in the mirror every morning
and gasped
at the wreckage time had exacted upon him
when i see him now
he looks so sad
and tired
if i could go back in time
and meet the guy in this picture
holding these two kids
i wonder what i'd think of him
i wish i could get even the slightest glimpse
of what he was like when he was a young man
it's impossible for me to even imagine
all traces are gone
all the expectations he had for these 2 little kids
what were they?
why did i feel like i'd let him down my whole life?
i wish he would've come into my world for a bit
it would've been nice
maybe he wishes i would've come into his
they say it's never too late
but i think it is
you can lead an old dog to water
but can you teach him new tricks?
he's sporting a nice tie
and suit
he always liked nice clothes
i guess we have that in common

i don't want my son to feel this way about me
it's one of my greatest fears

Monday, August 04, 2008

a message to our creator

thank you for our beautiful son gavin
who turned 5 today
thank you for these wonderful years we've had with him
there is not a day that goes by
i take for granted this gift we've been given
to see him healthy and happy everyday
is all that i could ever ask for in this world
thank you for giving this to us
please help me find the wisdom
and strength to be a good parent
and person
please watch over jayme
this friday
when she has her operation
she's suffered so much
please watch over
the rest of our family and friends
so that we may have as many good years together
as possible
i appreciate everything
every morning
every evening
and all that falls in between
the good
the bad
the happy times
and sad
please help our loved ones that are suffering
or struggling
there is so much pain in this world
i want to help lessen it
not add to it

wherever you are
whoever you may be
i hope you hear me somehow